::10.24.2004::
I'd love to go back to when we played as kids, but things changed, and that's the way it is...
Listening To: Tu Pac "Changes"
Damn that's an awesome song, Tu Pac is a genius.
I really don't have that much to talk about, and the fact that the only things that are bothering me right now I really have no right to get myself involved with, not to mention the fact that I really don't want to get involved with this.
I guess you could say that I'm really conflicted right now, though even I'm just guessing when I say this.
Part 1:
The thing that's bothering me is something that I'm not even directly involved in, but I've been in that sort of situation before and looking back on it, no one deserves to be treated as I was; no one deserves to be led on. The situation is some thing that I would not wish upon even those I dislike most.
Part 2:
Though part 2 is related to part 1, it really has no direct connection. There are all these things that I want for myself, my family and friends, but it seems not matter how hard I try these things will never happen. I don't think I'll ever find love as I perceive it, I don't think I'll ever have the life I want, I don't think that I can give everything I should to everyone. This is really the source of my conflict. Do I give up on getting what I want, on what I want for others, or what others want of me? Who is it that deserves to be happy?
And the more I think about it, there really is no real answer. They all deserve everything, but in my being me I cannot give that to everyone and technically no one can give it to anyone, but to give up on ever achieving it is equally disheartening. Thus in comes Tu Pac, he saw that try as we might things will never be what we want them to be, and he voiced this in "Changes".
There is something in knowing that there is some one else (even if they are no longer on this earth) out there who sees things the same way I see it that's comforting. I've heard the song dozens of times before this, but I never realized the meaning of this song until now. I mean the only other thing to come close was fictional, a figment of human creation, Superman. Superman was always there to help others, giving everything he could to anyone who asked and I guess that's kind of the way that I tend to try and lead my life, helping others before helping my self. Perhaps this is also my curse, as I've gotten older I've come to realize that I have my own wants and desires, but the more I do for others the further I tend to get from my own goals. Now I'm not saddened by this, I'm happy that those I care about are happy, in fact that's one of the things that matters most to me, but when you care about as many people as I do, furthering ones self becomes a gargantuan task.
Ergh… Damn life and all its drama, I thought this shit was supposed to end after graduation.
>> Alan spun round and round on 10/24/2004 01:56:00 AM (1) comments
::10.13.2004::
What is making me 'me' now...
I'm far too tired to make an actual entry, so I'm just going to list the things that come close to how I feel and tend to convey the 'attitude of my life' so to speak.
Modest Mouse The Moon and Antartica
Garden State
This Shirt
Standing outside in the rain, and reveling in it.
A beautiful painting of an ugly scene
Loving to write, and hating to read.
Alone, but content.
I guess the best way for me to put my life into perspective is as follows: I want to love and be loved, but I know that that sort of thing doesn't exist and sadly enough, that doesn't bother me.
::Heh, cool, my 100th post...::
>> Alan spun round and round on 10/13/2004 02:13:00 AM (1) comments
::10.11.2004::
Ah yeah I'm superman, A three-piece suit and masterplan, Here I come to save the day.
Chritopher Reeves died Sunday, age 52. His role as the ultimate hero, Superman, will never be forgotten.
>> Alan spun round and round on 10/11/2004 01:07:00 PM (0) comments
::10.09.2004::
Friend's will be missed, there is just no avoiding it...
This morning I stumbled onto someone's blog that I've recently mentioned on my site (9/24/04), and my greatest desire is to talk to this person, and technically there is no complications, and nothing to stop me. I've happened upon her other sites hence to this, yet never once said a thing. Why this bothers me, and why I cannot bring my self to at the least say 'hi,' is unnerving to an unimaginable degree, and the only thing that keeps playing through my head is this...
"Sometimes we don't do what we want to do because we're afraid that other people will know that be want to do them."
>> Alan spun round and round on 10/09/2004 04:10:00 PM (0) comments
::10.07.2004::
An entry just for the hell of an entry
“Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?” Odysseus, Troy
Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Carribean :: Damn good movie, damn good quote.:: "We have choices. Some people like to stand in the rain without an umbrella. That's what it means to live free." Roger Smith, The Big O ::Rock on anime dude, rock on…:: “Here’s to times gone, but not forgotten,
::Damn, where’s my beer…::
::Though there was far too much of Brad Pitt’s ass in this movie, and they butchered the story, and it was made pretty much so that women could just sit and stare at Brad Pitt’s ass, this is still an awesome quote::
"Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate."
Here’s to things never turning rotten,
Here’s to hope, and here’s to love,
Here’s to all we’ve dreamed of;
And to those who are stout and able,
Get that damn glass off the table.”
- Alan P. Wiles
>> Alan spun round and round on 10/07/2004 04:01:00 PM (0) comments
::10.03.2004::
College Student's + Camera Phone + Boredum = Low Tech Photoshop'n
Yeah, that's me in the background being eaten...
>> Alan spun round and round on 10/03/2004 11:14:00 PM (0) comments
::10.01.2004::
“Today is a good day to die.”
Damn my parent’s took me out to dinner tonight and asked me if I’d like a margarita. I said, “Sure, I’ll have one,” and what do they do? They order a whole pitcher and end up getting me really drunk. This doesn’t begin to describe the weird-ness of the day.
It all started with my French class. I got up at about 11:45 this morning, and my class starts at 12:30, so needless to say I was late getting to class today, but not by much, and we didn’t really have anything of vital importance going on today. Towards the end of class today the professor paired off the class to work on a dialogue due in next week, and of course I get paired with the ‘really-hot-and-completely-out-of-my-league’ girl in the class. She and I work through the assignment and start talking, and I swear to god if I didn’t know any better she started to hit on me. We got to talking and it turns out that she’s a singer and works at the Mellow Mushroom in Alpharetta as a waitress. She knows how to play piano and is working on learning to play guitar. Anyhow before I know it, we’re talking about each other’s schedules and are trying to work out a time when we can hangout and just jam. Needless to say she’s coming over to my place next Tuesday. Alan = Happy.
After that I had lunch and ended up going out to the courtyard and falling asleep under a tree until my art appreciation class. I walk into class and the teach hands me the last quiz I took, and then stops me, asking to read my shirt. I didn’t realize it but this morning I had thrown on my “If your offended by this shirt then show me your tits,” jersey. This was rather embarrassing as my professor is in her early thirty’s and embodies the ‘really-cool-black-sheep-older-sister’ stereotype like the sister in “Almost Famous”. She then began class by giving us this spiel about how most everyone did badly on the last couple quizzes and how most people didn’t put their names on a couple. Then she mentioned the fact that there were a couple of names she couldn’t make out, doing everything but pointing directly at me and calling out my name. I’ll admit, my signature sucks, but isn’t pointing out the guy who’s already embarrassed a bit uncalled for? Alan = Asshat.
After class a group of us were having a discussion with the professor, and part of it is still haunting me so to speak.
TEACH: "You know statistically a majority of artist's are so clinically depressed they end up killing themselves, so statistically speaking, art major's are studying to go out into the world, create works of art, then commit suicide."
ME: "You know why, don't you?"
TEACH: "Well, I would think because they realize they won't make any money from their art until they're dead."
ME: "While probably true in some respects, I've always believed that as an artist one must be able to see the beauty in everything in order to recreate beauty. And to create beauty and have no one understand said beauty is a very disheartening thing. That and as an artist one seldom searches ones own life to find that beauty, and to not see the beauty in being an artist is basically to lose one's faith in being."
TEACH: "Were it not for the fact that you sound as though you speak from experience I'd think you'd be better suited as a philosophy major. There is also a flaw in your theory."
ME: "And what would that be?"
TEACH: "What about those artist's that don't kill them selves?"
ME: "They are the ones that you've got to look out for, because they are the ones with the ability to see it all."
TEACH: "You watch yourself. I may end up giving out the first 'A' to a 'B' student."
While the premise of my getting an ‘A’ in the only class that I’m really worried about is awesome, but the philosophical view that I spouted out was a bit perturbing. Alan = taken aback.
Then the whole dinner with my parents’ thing… They know I drink, they don’t care that I do, but they never buy me alcohol unless it’s a holiday, and even then they really aren’t buying me the booze, they are buying the booze for the collective group of people who are involved in said celebration. Needless to say that between this and my history with substance abuse, drinking to get drunk is not very appealing to me anymore, but apparently to my parents getting me to a state between tipsy and drunk is highly amusing. Alan = ready for a goodnight sleep.
>> Alan spun round and round on 10/01/2004 11:45:00 AM (0) comments