::10.24.2004::
I'd love to go back to when we played as kids, but things changed, and that's the way it is...
Listening To: Tu Pac "Changes"
Damn that's an awesome song, Tu Pac is a genius.
I really don't have that much to talk about, and the fact that the only things that are bothering me right now I really have no right to get myself involved with, not to mention the fact that I really don't want to get involved with this.
I guess you could say that I'm really conflicted right now, though even I'm just guessing when I say this.
Part 1:
The thing that's bothering me is something that I'm not even directly involved in, but I've been in that sort of situation before and looking back on it, no one deserves to be treated as I was; no one deserves to be led on. The situation is some thing that I would not wish upon even those I dislike most.
Part 2:
Though part 2 is related to part 1, it really has no direct connection. There are all these things that I want for myself, my family and friends, but it seems not matter how hard I try these things will never happen. I don't think I'll ever find love as I perceive it, I don't think I'll ever have the life I want, I don't think that I can give everything I should to everyone. This is really the source of my conflict. Do I give up on getting what I want, on what I want for others, or what others want of me? Who is it that deserves to be happy?
And the more I think about it, there really is no real answer. They all deserve everything, but in my being me I cannot give that to everyone and technically no one can give it to anyone, but to give up on ever achieving it is equally disheartening. Thus in comes Tu Pac, he saw that try as we might things will never be what we want them to be, and he voiced this in "Changes".
There is something in knowing that there is some one else (even if they are no longer on this earth) out there who sees things the same way I see it that's comforting. I've heard the song dozens of times before this, but I never realized the meaning of this song until now. I mean the only other thing to come close was fictional, a figment of human creation, Superman. Superman was always there to help others, giving everything he could to anyone who asked and I guess that's kind of the way that I tend to try and lead my life, helping others before helping my self. Perhaps this is also my curse, as I've gotten older I've come to realize that I have my own wants and desires, but the more I do for others the further I tend to get from my own goals. Now I'm not saddened by this, I'm happy that those I care about are happy, in fact that's one of the things that matters most to me, but when you care about as many people as I do, furthering ones self becomes a gargantuan task.
Ergh… Damn life and all its drama, I thought this shit was supposed to end after graduation.
>> Alan spun round and round on 10/24/2004 01:56:00 AM
